How to Get Over a Breakup: A Research-Based Plan

Why a breakup hurts, what to do in the first 72 hours, how to cut reminders, and how to rebuild yourself. Backed by published studies.

You get over a breakup by lowering the number of daily reminders, rebuilding a sense of who you are without the relationship, and letting the grief run instead of fighting it. For most people the sharpest pain eases within weeks to a few months. Staying in contact or checking their social media reliably slows that down.

Why a breakup hurts this much

If it feels physical, that is not in your imagination. In a 2011 brain-imaging study, people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup looked at a photo of their ex, and the brain regions that lit up overlapped with the ones that process physical pain (Kross and colleagues, 2011). A separate study found that looking at a rejecting partner activated reward and craving areas similar to those involved in addiction (Fisher and colleagues, 2010).

That second finding explains the behaviour that confuses people most: why you keep reaching for your phone to check on someone who hurt you. Your brain learned to expect a reward from this person, and it keeps looking for it. The urge is not proof that you should get back together. It is withdrawal.

There is a third layer. Long relationships blend identities. Researchers found that people who felt their sense of self had shrunk or blurred after a breakup reported more emotional distress (Slotter, Gardner and Finkel, 2010). Part of getting over someone is working out which habits, friends and plans were yours and which were "ours".

The first 72 hours: damage control

The first few days are not the time for growth or big insights. The goal is simply to get through them without making things worse.

• Tell two people. One who will listen without judging, and one who will help with practical things, like food, a spare room or a lift.
• Eat something and sleep at normal hours. Grief on no sleep feels twice as heavy. Keep it basic.
• Mute, don't announce. Mute their profiles and chats. You don't have to block or post anything. A quiet mute stops the reminders without starting a drama.
• Write the message, don't send it. If you need to say something, put it in your notes app. Read it again in 24 hours.
• No big decisions. Don't quit your job, move city or sign up for anything expensive this week.

A plan for tonight, not forever

Imagine the breakup happened this afternoon. You do not need to decide whether you will be friends, whether you will ever date again, or what the relationship “meant.” Tonight’s plan can be much smaller: put your phone in another room, tell one safe person, eat something plain, shower, and get into bed. Tomorrow can have its own plan.

If you have to discuss keys, children, rent or belongings, keep that conversation separate from the emotional one. A message such as “I can collect the boxes Saturday at 11; does that work?” is easier to answer than a practical question wrapped inside a plea to reconsider.

Weeks 1 to 4: cut the reminders

The single most useful thing you can control is how often you are exposed to your ex. A study of Facebook users found that people who kept looking at a former partner's page reported more distress and longing, and less personal growth, than people who stopped (Marshall, 2012). Every check keeps the craving loop active.

A practical way to do this without relying on willpower:

If you share children, a home or a workplace, full no contact isn't possible. Keep contact short, practical and in writing where you can. More on this in our guide to whether to text your ex.

What to do when the urge hits

An urge to check, call or drive past their home usually peaks and falls. Give it somewhere to go for 20 minutes. Put the message in a note, walk around the block, take a shower, or call someone who knows why you are not making contact. The aim is not to never miss them. It is to avoid turning a difficult feeling into a new problem.

Make a short “do not romanticise” note while your memory is balanced. Include the ordinary reasons the relationship ended: the conversations that went nowhere, the needs that stayed unmet, the way you felt on an average Tuesday. Read it when your mind edits the relationship into a highlight reel.

Rethinking your ex, carefully

A common piece of advice is to list everything you disliked about your ex. It does work, but not in the way people expect. In a 2018 experiment, people who reflected on their ex's negative qualities felt less love for them afterwards. They also felt worse in the moment (Langeslag and Sanchez, 2018).

So use it as a tool, not a mood. When you catch yourself replaying only the good memories, write three honest sentences about what didn't work. Keep them specific: "I felt anxious every Sunday night" is more useful than "they were selfish". Then close the note and do something else.

Rebuild the parts of you that went quiet

This is where most of the real recovery happens, and it usually starts in the second or third week. Ask yourself three questions and write the answers down:

1. What did I stop doing during the relationship that I actually liked?
2. Which friends did I see less of?
3. What did I want for my life before we met, and do I still want it?

Pick one answer from each and act on it within seven days. One text to an old friend. One evening class. One morning run. In a study of people going through a breakup, simply reflecting on the breakup in a structured way was linked to a clearer sense of self and better emotional recovery (Larson and Sbarra, 2015).

Use a three-part recovery week

• One stabilising thing: a regular meal, bedtime or exercise class.
• One connecting thing: coffee with a friend, a family call or a group activity.
• One expanding thing: somewhere new, a neglected interest or a task you complete alone.

This is deliberately modest. A packed “new me” schedule can become another way to avoid what happened. A better test is whether your week contains something dependable, something shared and something that belongs only to you.

Can you get over a breakup fast?

Faster than you fear, usually. Not overnight. People consistently overestimate how bad they will feel and for how long. In one study, people predicted how distressed they would be after a breakup, and their actual distress turned out to be noticeably lower (Eastwick and colleagues, 2008). In a 28-day diary study of young adults after a breakup, sadness and anger dropped steadily over the month (Sbarra and Emery, 2005).

What speeds it up is mostly boring: fewer reminders, regular sleep, movement and time with people. What slows it down is also predictable: rebound relationships used to avoid the feeling, drinking to sleep, and "just checking" on your ex. For a personal estimate, use the breakup recovery timeline estimator.

When the ending was a relief

Not every breakup is a tragedy. When a relationship was low in quality, people often report growth and more positive emotion after it ends (Lewandowski and Bizzoco, 2007). If you feel lighter and then guilty about feeling lighter, that is common. Both feelings can be true.

Signs you're moving on

• You go a whole morning, then a whole day, without thinking about them.
• You can hear their name without your stomach dropping.
• You make plans that have nothing to do with showing them anything.
• When you remember the relationship, you see both the good and the bad.
• Bad days still happen, but they are further apart.

Recovery is not a straight line. A song or an anniversary can knock you back for a day. That's normal and doesn't wipe out your progress. See the stages of a breakup for why the feelings come in waves.

When to get more help

Sadness after a breakup is normal. It becomes something to take to a doctor or therapist when it doesn't lift. Watch for these signs: you can't work or look after yourself for more than a couple of weeks, you stop eating or sleeping, you're drinking or using more to cope, or you have thoughts of harming yourself. Research on unmarried couples found breakups were linked to a measurable drop in mental health and life satisfaction for many people (Rhoades and colleagues, 2011). Needing support is common, not a failure.

Sources

1. Kross, E. et al. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. PNAS. Find the study
2. Fisher, H. E. et al. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology. Find the study
3. Slotter, E. B., Gardner, W. L. and Finkel, E. J. (2010). Who am I without you? The influence of romantic breakup on the self-concept. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Find the study
4. Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking. Find the study
5. Langeslag, S. J. E. and Sanchez, M. E. (2018). Down-regulation of love feelings after a romantic break-up. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. Find the study
6. Larson, G. M. and Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Participating in research on romantic breakups promotes emotional recovery via changes in self-concept clarity. Social Psychological and Personality Science. Find the study
7. Eastwick, P. W. et al. (2008). Mispredicting distress following romantic breakup. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. Find the study
8. Sbarra, D. A. and Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution. Personal Relationships. Find the study
9. Lewandowski, G. W. and Bizzoco, N. M. (2007). Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship. The Journal of Positive Psychology. Find the study
10. Rhoades, G. K. et al. (2011). Breaking up is hard to do: The impact of unmarried relationship dissolution on mental health and life satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology. Find the study

This guide is general information, not medical or psychological advice. Read our editorial policy.